The Book of Ashes

The becoming and I'm still not drinking... 12:10PM

I see beauty all around me, in my friends, in the things they do and in the world and its actions. I wonder at how much there is that is beautiful in this world and then I realise that nothing really is. It is all in my mind. Everything is beautiful because that is how I interpret it and a cold shiver runs down my spine.

About 3 years ago now I wrote on a piece of paper 3 simple words I AM BECOMING and taped this onto my wall. This was an idea I had from my flatmate then, Daniel Henderson, who had posted something like STOP BEING LAZY on his roof where he could see it while lying in bed. This kind of thing works, if you see it all the time it reminds you to act but you are probably wondering what my words meant. Back then they were just words, now they encompass part of a process, almost like a prophetic insight. But although they may predict the future, they only do so by encouraging you to move along that path. By reading those words every day you are in effect shaping your future to be those words. So what do they mean? Let me explain by comparing myself now to myself then. I have just shadow boxed with a 5 pound weight in each hand and I am getting fast, I can jump kick and my air time now surpasses the second barrier, I have run up Mount Vic in 12 mins 47 secs and aspire to do it in under 10 mins. My thoughts and beliefs are refined and my knowledge and skills increased greatly. I can rollerblade quite impressively now, I can play guitar and have begun the singing process, I can speak much more openly with a higher degree of confidence, I am now something that once I was not. I have become. The process of becoming is one of continuous self improvement. What I write here may sound good but I am not that impressive when you meet me, I still have a way to go but I feel I am getting there. Anyway seeing I AM BECOMING still written on my wall today, 3 flats later, I was reminded of how and why I put it there. Let me now speak of last night...

Damn this reliance on drink. I am still not drinking and I got invited out for a meal with Kate last night. She is very sly, and I am impressed. I got to Satay Malaysia and sat down and began talking to her friends, ex-flatmates from Palmerston North where shes from, and all was good. Then one of them brings up the fact that its Kates birthday. She hadn't told us! She had invited us out the night before (Damian and I) and I had been suspicious then of something (just cause she doesn't usually invite us out). I asked what the occausion was and wondered if she was either trying to set us up with her ex-flatmates or needed some sit-in friends. She said no, there was no occausion and that her friends all had boyfriends so I accepted that and said I'd be there. Well... her friends were pretty cool. They each brought a bottle of wine and then a cask on top of that incase they ran out. The meal was good and I drank a lot of rasberries and cokes. I so would have liked to drink - they had a lot of excess wine and I could see myself putting that away but I am sticking by my decission not to drink. So anyway they all got real pissed and offered the waitresses glasses of wine, unfortunetly they were musleum and didn't drink. I got hassled for having a girlfriend called Bridget (someone missheard something) and also they were wondering if there was something more going on with me and Amy who I had made the bet not to drink with. They tried to convience me that she would be up the mountain smoking away happily and that I was a fool not to drink. But see here, I was strong and stood unwavering on the path of purity

Kate Avery's birthday 12:17PM

So we ended up going out, we were denied Diva so we visited the FATs instead. I did a bit of dancing but it is harder when you're not totally trashed and you are self concious of your dancing style. We then went Vespa lounge and then the Grand and then Coyotte. The girls put away a LOT of drinks and I am surprised to hear they were not sick this morning. I got home around 2am-3am which is pretty good for someone past there prime and not drinking.

Well today is suck raining weather. I have slept in cause I was tired and have been reading my Dune book - it rocks. I will try for a little work on the server this avro and the Crispy One is coming in to borrow my swipe card at some stage. A little bit of house work is in order and oh yeah I'm sitting here wearing it but I had forgotten about it. I gave myself a #4 hair cut last night. My hair was getting quite shaggy, now its trim and fast. I like. Better go do stuff..