The Book of Ashes

Duece 2:40AM

Thursday I took a sick day. I was pissing down with rain and I needed some time out. The OOS needed a break from the work horse as well. I refreshed myself, doing a few exercises, cleaning the house, catching up on everything that had kind of hung around. I decided to wash my sleeping bag in the washing machine. This was ok but clumps all the feathers together in wet balls. It is probably not good for it but I have faith that it will repair itself. Problem is its still not dry right now (Sat morning) and I'm leaving for Palmy in 6 hours (not much time for sleep) and it won't be dry by then. I will have to borrow my mothers new one...

Gerry drove home on Thursday night, shes getting her braces off which is a good thing for her. I've only known her with braces so she will look different without them. I went to bed early this night but the phone kept ringing. I had set it to about 6 rings after my party and it was not quite enough time for me to make it through my dark room to the phone in time. Each time I got up I had a piece of chocolate from my rocky road bar. By the end of the night it was all gone and I was sleeping with the phone by my bed.

Friday was like any other. What differentiated it was the after work events. After our staff meeting we went out to the Wellington Indoor Sports center where the management team at work had set up three games (30-40min games) of soccer, hockey and netball. These rocked but I was pretty tired by the end of it. We then ate pizza and got some awards. I was feeling pretty good after all this exercise (and now I remember I walked up the stairwell at work today from level 12 to level 31, pretty good, it only took me 2mins 14secs. Dan has also confirmed that he will be in training for our race this labour day or whenever we meet up round that time). As I walked back to my place I heard the girls talking next door so I went over and saw Amy and Char having a smoke. Oh dear, only a couple of days and Amy had already succumbed to the old ways, how was she ever going to keep up with me jogging? I talked to them for awhile, feeling really stinky and sweaty as I hadn't showered since my activities. Some of their friends came over and the girls began to get excited. This was an interesting event. Amy was trying to do gymnastics stuff in the lounge and was playing those hand games you play as a kid with everyone. She was also talking real fast and got Fi to copy her as she did a song with actions. This was all most entertaining. We then played twister and then charades and pictionary. Twister was cool. I think this may have been the first time I have played it. It is hard to remember every game you've ever played as a kid though so I'm not sure. Anyway the night got late fast and I ended up talking to Fi outside in the cold (in bare feet) for awhile. I fully believe that things that don't kill you make you stronger (eg the cold). Don't take that literally, I just mean that roughing it every once and a while doesn't hurt

Friday 2:58AM

So its late Friday night and early Saturday morning and I have a few insights to share with you. First I must confess to being a conflict avioder. I avoid all situations that involve conflict, often baring the cost or brunt of the problem to keep the conflict at bay. I just don't like to cause conflict. Now since potential conflict can arise in many day to day situtations, I am also unlikely to do any action that would lead to said conflict, whether it occured or not. Add this to the fact that I don't like taking risks - everything I do has a backup plan and you find that I could easily fall into a rut with conflict and uncertainty on either side and me unwilling to climb out. I have not killed any lions today. I am even wavering about killing them. One I took the smallest step towards but am now uncertain that I want the lions head as a prize, the other can cause a lot of conflict or stress so I am hesitant to move in that direction. Life just doesn't play you the simple cards, its always heres one or two good ones, make do with what you've got.

TWO: Religion is a great big cushion welded onto ones life that protects the wearer from the harshness of reality. It serves a very real purpose that it is hard to find a substitute for. I mean say you believe that God exists and knows you and loves you and cares for you and has a purpose for you and a place for you in heaven. Then when anything goes wrong in life you can know that he loves you and its alright because you are special and have a place in life. But what if you didn't believe this? When things don't go right you have no such cushion, things begin to seem insignificant and if looking at things in this kind of light then nothing you have done, are doing will make you feel better. Depression is about beliefs in good things (eg that you are loved) or bad things (eg that people don't like you). It is a self feeding spiral that can travel upwards or downwards depending on the kind of thoughts you have.

THREE: Gerry and I have started up a word of the day thing. We write down a new word from the dictionary each night and then learn and use it the next day. Self improvement is the methodology of life. I sometimes wonder how the second generation Ashes will turn out.

Enough said? Lets just say that tonight we came to the conclusion that mothers worry to much. If you're female, loosen up a little, worry takes years off your life. Its not worth worrying about some things, specially if they're beyond your control.

Gerry asked me if I believed in fate on Thursday night. I gave her a long answer which would probably wear out my keyboard trying to type it. Simply put, I act as if I do, but when questioned must state that I don't. And now I sleep..