The Book of Ashes
Legend in his own mind, creator of all you see here, he walks this Earth on the path of the becoming.
On Monday, 23, July 2001 Ashes wrote...
The butterfly theory 1:22AM
All I can say for now is this...
It is said that a butterfly in Africa flapping its wings can create a hurricane in America if it does it at the right time and the right place.
So too it is true that every person in life has their place and their purpose. No matter how small or insignificant you think you are, you still play out a part that works towards the future in its entirety. Without your participation the present would never have happened and the future could never happen. And remember, from small things can come great things.
Ok so I'm writing about a lot of fucked up stuff at the moment and shall get off this theme soon. Its just something that needed writing. I'm not sure how all this sounds, but if it sounds crazy then believe me its not, I'm just spouting off about some stuff and those who have got into debates with me will know that I can talk a lot of shit when motivated (I would like to think most of it quite believable shit, but thats just my humble opinion).
So back to my story... I got back to Mums place on Sunday afternoon and she was talking to some friends so I decided to go around to my cousin Simons place to catch up with him. [This reminds me, I brought a lotto ticket with the numbers on it that Damian and Crispy had put in wax at the back of my guest book, I know I haven't won as this is not the way my life works but I thought I couldn't not get a ticket, you know how it is]. Si has the most scummiest flat ever, specially from the outside, so as you guessed, he's a student. We had a coffee and a game of chess and talked about life. He is a real philosopher and I thoughly enjoy conversations with him. It was just the kind of stimulation my mind needed. We went through a few thoughts and he kained my arse at chess [note to self - practise harder as you hate loosing]. We then went for a walk to Mac'ers for a greasy brunch then back to my place. We eneded up going for another walk discussing things further and then it was time to head off home. I got a ride out to the train station and headed off back to Wellington.
I had a dinner that night with Mel but was just a little late due to the train. I got a little wet walking through the rain and considering I hadn't showered that day probably didn't look too good. She offered me a hot chocolate! Of course first I got the wrong house and was knocking next door, bloody dum arse, I had just been sent a message earlier with the address on it. So we had a most excellent meal, watched Wrongfully Acused, a take off of most other movies and then got a ride home. I then went over and saw the girls and chatted to them for awhile before coming back here. Amy suggested getting up at 6am! for an early morning jog every morning. This is good except when you think about it, its 1:30am now so that only gives me 4 and a half hours sleep. Its barely enough getting up at 7. Maybe I will try going to bed earlier and try the jog thing. On another note, I have had to change my hiding place for my chocolates/lollies stash. The walls have ears and eyes and know everything and I fear for the safety of my beloved ones if they were to be left there. I have been transferring my stash, slowly piece by piece over the previous days to their new location and now only have one bar left to move. My stomach is a much safer place to hide things!
Hehehehehe, that thought I just had was pretty clever, I cannot write of such things here though
Scrolls of Yarash 9:36AM
Let me quote a line from the scrolls of Yarash, one of my favourite passages, prophesising the coming of the one...
""...and out of the swirling mists of humanity arose a small vortex, burning brightly at its core and exciting that which lay around it. In itself it was nothing special, a million vortexes like this had risen before it and a million would rise again after it had passed, each burning themselves out before too long. But something different was happening this time, something against the norm. As the vortex spun and danced, it appeared to be igniting other small vortexes all around it which would burn up then die out, the occasional one igniting further small vortexes. Before long the entire sea of humanities possibilities and probabilities was swirling and dancing in time to a pattern defined long ago by the makers of order. This pattern fuelled and sustained itself, growing ever bigger and more excited in its wake until nothing was left as it was. Everything had changed beyond recognition. And now people could see what had happened, what had caused this metamorphis of life as we knew it, what was its cause and what was its outcome. And some said it was beauty and order and others said everything was messed up, not at all how it should be, and none could decided on the purpose or the goodness of the change. For it was change indeed
that had been wrought that day, for better or for worse...""
Enhancements to the site (previous and next searches) 9:55AM
Please note the small enhancement to functionality on the diary entry pages. The previous and next links at the bottom have been enhanced to search back or forward to the next day containing an entry, not just the next day whether it has an entry or not as was previously the case. The links are now not displayed if there is no more entries in that direction. This will be very noticable on other savants pages where there are great gaps in the writings but maybe not so in mine which doesn't have too many gaps.
I am also going to put in a summary page of all the savants and their last days of writings to help you know who too look at.
Today went pretty well. I went shopping after work with Gerry and went and saw my sister later on. It was good to catch up with her. I had some money that mum had given me for her and she was very appreciative.
That is all for now. I am thinking of going to bed early tonight in the hope that I can get up early for an early morning jog.
Marae 12:28PM
Ten million ideas buzzed around my head this weekend, most forgotten, some remembered. I awoke early Saturday morning to the downpour of a few million drops of water. I gathered my belongings and traversed out to the road where I awaited pickup by my uncle. We then travelled up to Palmy North for a bit of time out from the world.
In this place all time stands still. Worries disolve like fog being broken up by the new days sun and birds sing a song in the background that relaxes the mind. This place is Matu (correct spelling?), our family Marae. You are probably thinking a big old building with carvings and woven mats on it and the like. Maybe in 30 years it will look like this. Instead it is about 5 years old, built as a dream by my uncles and with help from the rest of the family, it is a place for our over grown family to gather all at once or a place to just go to relax and take a break from the world. It is quite modern and still under construction, kinda like a tramping hut, set on a grassy padock, surrounded by pines and trees and with a view out over the lower lands and over Palmy into the most awesome sunsets, it is peaceful in its entirety.
Upon arrival there I caught up with my uncle and my cousin, we had a chat and a meal and then went up to the Marae to do a little cleaning and put some wire fencing round some trees to keep the sheep off them. Then everyone left and I hung round for a while then went and caught up with Mum. We got some fish and chips and sat round talking for a while then I drove back to the Marae to stay the night. I have to say that they have some cool gas lamps there. You start one up and it looks like a miniture super nova, with a kapovvvv it bursts outwards in an initial flare then settles back to a steady burning that is quite bright and warm. I like indeed. There was not much to do so I put down a mattress and hoped in my sleeping bag and went to sleep under the pouring rain.
The next morning I awoke quite early due to the light and decided I needed a sleep in so stayed in bed for a while. I eventually got up to take a photo of a cool rainbow then did a bit of cleaning round the place and then drove back to Mums place
Finding oneself 12:52PM
All this time I was by myself I was thinking about life and its true meaning (I also designed a method to weave flax around the poles that support the roof so that there will be no breaks in it which will look cool but that is irrelevant). My fundamental beliefs in life have taken a battering just lately and I am happy to say that I have not simply stood by them but have re-evaluated their worth in comparision to other beliefs. Let it not be said that I am closed minded for I seriously considered options that once I would have dismissed as non-sense. Still I cannot believe in anything that does not fit with this world we see around us. As someone once said, The simplest answer is usually correct. Why event some far out crazy idea to explain what could be explained more simply?
Let me state this, People require explanations for things and if they can't find one they may well invent one. Say someone close to you dies. You then ask yourself why? Why did this happen to this good person who has done nothing wrong in their lives? Who did this? For what purpose was their death. And what it comes down to is this. It is often not satisfactory to say, they died a random death, the same as some puppies die and others don't. There was nothing special about one or the other, there was no purpose, it was purely random. Does that answer help you with your grieving or is it better to say that they died for a greater purpose, their time was up and they are not really dead but maybe reborn in a better life or now happily up in heaven. This is more comforting and serves the purpose of helping you deal with the pain of their departure.
People seek comfort in life from their beliefs.
Mine was a strange belief, totally arrogant in its assumptions, serving to protect me from the harsh realities of this world. Without even realising it I believed that things always had and always would work out for me. My purpose in life was to be great and anything that happened along the way such as my cousin dying or my parents breaking up, served to make me a stronger person for some future. I never worried about little things like the fact that I didn't have lots of money as when the time was right it would come to me. I never worried that I didn't have a girl friend as I was waiting for the perfect woman and I just hadn't found her yet. I never worried that I had not invented any great machine or written any great theory because I was confident in my own intelligence and the time would come for that as well. This was fine, my arrogant beliefs were (mostly) self contained and sustained my happy personality for most of my life (I don't really get depressed that much now that I think back). But what happens if you start to doubt these beliefs will ever come true? It is the same as if you are religious and you are given proof that God does not exist. Your entire life is built on these foundations and then they are just ripped out from under you. Your faith in what is real and what is not is left floating. Be careful that you don't rely on any beliefs too heavily. I am lucky that mine where only slightly dislodged and that I have secondary structures supporting my beliefs. I am now working on the revised struture..